BASEBALL PLAYERS MIGHT BE THE FUNNIEST OF PRO ATHLETES — but then again, the only sport I really follow is baseball so my theory might be full of crapola. Still, the personalities that make up, say, the NBA and NFL seem to me mostly humorless and/or too full of themselves to say something actually funny as opposed to just buffoonish-ly funny. Of course, Barry Bonds is pretty much the poster boy for “humorless, hyper-competitive, self-important meathead.” But then you also have wiseasses like Kevin Millar, goofballs like Manny, clowns like Big Papi and a bunch of other fun-loving guys trying to keep things light over a long season. An interview with Dustin Pedroia in the Globe, while not hilarious, at least shows these guys aren’t totally unimaginative dumbass jocks who take everything too seriously.

GLOBE: No marriage proposals?
PEDROIA: There was yesterday! [A woman held up a sign that said] “Pedroia’s future wife” and had an arrow pointing down. I was like, “Jeez. This woman must be blind. Poor thing.”

A CAT NAMED OSCAR IS THE HARBINGER OF DEATH in an old person’s home, according to articles in the Boston Globe and New England Journal of Medicine:

Since he was adopted by staff members as a kitten, Oscar the Cat has had an uncanny ability to predict when residents are about to die. Thus far, he has presided over the deaths of more than 25 residents on the third floor of Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island. His mere presence at the bedside is viewed by physicians and nursing home staff as an almost absolute indicator of impending death, allowing staff members to adequately notify families. Oscar has also provided companionship to those who would otherwise have died alone. For his work, he is highly regarded by the physicians and staff at Steere House and by the families of the residents whom he serves.

That sounds nice and all, but I have an alternate theory: I think the cat is killing off the patients one by one and stealing their souls. Why does no one else suspect this?

WATCHING 23-YEAR-OLD JON LESTER PITCH in his first big league start since being treated for cancer wasn’t as interesting as watching his parents watching their 23-year-old son pitch in his first big league start since being treated for cancer:

In the third, Sizemore connected for a two-run homer off Lester, who was in trouble again in the fourth.

The Indians loaded the bases with one out but Lester broke Josh Barfield’s bat on a comebacker that he bobbled before throwing home to force Garko. With Sizemore back up, Lester’s mom, Kathie, couldn’t watch as her son battled Cleveland’s leadoff hitter.

When Lester finally blew a fastball past Sizemore for strike three to end the threat, his father, John, and Kathie jumped up and pumped their fists in celebration. However, she quickly sat back down and resumed her doubled-up position, seemingly afraid to watch anymore.

THIS JUST OCCURRED TO ME ABOUT THE HULK — the military was probably right in trying to bring that crazy mofo into custody. I mean, that guy was out of control, a serious threat to public safety. Sure, he was misunderstood. But he was a giant, violent, angry green ball of misunderstanding that could smash buildings and swing tanks over his head. So, yeah, let’s get the guy some professional help so he can work out his issues — but for god’s sake, let’s get him that help under federal custody. I don’t know why that didn’t occur to me when I was a kid. Or maybe it’s yet another sign of being old and fearful now.

EVEN WITH THE YANKEES 10.5 GAMES BACK, there are always reasons to keep watching. For one, the return of the Rocket means there’s never enough distance between the Sox and the surging Yanks (their pitchers are pitching, their bats are hitting, their runners are stealing, and they’ve won 8 of their last 10, including a five-game winning streak and a Chien-Ming Wang complete game victory).

But beyond the ever-present fear of a Yankees uprising and Red Sox collapse (once a Red Sox fan always a Red Sox fan), there are also the little rewards that baseball bestows upon those who stick with the long season. Like taking satisfaction in watching wily Julian Tavarez (6 IP, 6 H, 3 R, 1 BB, 5 SO) put up about the same pitching line as Clemens (6 IP, 5 H, 3 R, 2 BB, 7 SO) – for approximately a gazillion dollars less per game.

Or there’s Schilling getting one out away from a no-hitter, shaking off Varitek’s call for a slider (“He’s swinging”), and banking on his fastball instead (“He’s taking”), on that fateful (second-to-last) at-bat against Oakland’s Shannon Stewart. Or, as Schill himself puts it in his blog:

Now comes the infamous ‘shake’. In talking with Tek after the game it’s clear to me that he was 100% spot on with his thought, and I was completely wrong with mine. Why would he take a strike at this point? I had gone to 1 three ball count all day. I wasn’t going to walk him and the only thing you do at that point, by taking a strike, is allow me freedom to use my split. There was no way in hell he was taking. I was sure otherwise. So I shake off the slider, execute the pitch I want, and he lines it to right.

It was a game of minor statistical importance (hey, we’re 10.5 games ahead!) played on a school day, so many of us caught on late that potential history was in the making. But that’s because we’re cubicle monkeys, checking in on the team between meetings and emails. Big Papi, however, realized what was going on even later than the rest of us, and he was actually there:

It was Red Sox bench coach Brad Mills who alerted the media to the fact David Ortiz was in the dark about Schilling taking a no-hitter into the ninth inning.

“Ortiz came up to me and said, ‘I swear on my children, I didn’t know it was a no-hitter,’ ” said Mills, who had the manager’s office to himself after the game because Terry Francona decided Mills deserved some attention after his son, Beau, was drafted by Cleveland in the first round (13th overall). “After the game, he came up to us. You can go ask him.”

Francona said Ortiz told him the same thing, and the big man owned up to his ignorance.

“I didn’t know until after the first out in the last inning,” said Ortiz, whose home run in the first inning gave Schilling the run he needed to win his sixth game against two losses. “That’s when I got nervous. I looked at the board, saw all the zeroes. [First base coach] Luis Alicea, he asked me, ‘What would you do? Would you bring the closer in?’

“He was messing around with me. I was like, ‘He’s pitching good, why bring in the closer? Later on, I looked at all those zeroes, and I see the zero under ‘H,’ I go, ‘Wait a minute.’ I’m looking around and everybody goes, ‘Shhhh.’ That’s when I started getting nervous.”

Utility guy Alex Cora had this response:

Sox infielder Alex Cora was dubious of Ortiz’s claim. “How many people were at that game?” Cora asked. “Thirty thousand? Twenty-five guys on their side, and 24 [on ours] . . . he was the only guy not watching the game.”

And random Red Sox fan Bill Chuck had this:

After reading David Ortiz’s claim that he didn’t know Curt Schilling had a no-hitter in progress Thursday, reader Bill Chuck e-mailed: “The fact that Big Papi was not aware of Schilling’s no-hitter until one down in the ninth can only be attributed to David being Manny.”

So there’s the painfully close bid at a history-making no-hitter — and then there are the little things, like Julio Lugo’s hidden ball trick, which brings its own kind of drama to the June proceedings:

Red Sox third baseman Mike Lowell did not see Julio Lugo tag out an unsuspecting Alberto Callaspo Friday night, but he was ready to pronounce judgment on the play.

“That’s not a real hidden-ball trick,” Lowell said yesterday , “although I’m sure the stats say it is.”

Lugo tagged out Callaspo when he strayed off second base, not realizing that Lugo — who had taken a throw from right fielder J.D. Drew — had not returned the ball to pitcher Josh Beckett, even though Beckett said afterward he was calling for the ball.

“I saw it on the replay,” Lowell said, “I didn’t see it while it was going on.”

Lugo said once before he’d executed a similar play, but said the umpire missed it. “I try it all the time,” he said. “It just didn’t work.

“The umpire [Chris Guccione] was right on top of the play.”

Lowell executed a similar play in 2005, when he was with Florida, and it also came against Arizona, when the third baseman tagged out Luis Terrero, who also strayed off the bag with Lowell still in possession of the ball. Why, then, was Lowell’s play superior to Lugo’s?

“Because [Lugo] didn’t have to do anything,” Lowell said. “[Pitcher Todd ] Jones had to sell it more than anyone.

“Jonesie, the only reason I didn’t get rid of the ball was he was backing up home plate. I wasn’t going to throw it to him. So I just waited. Then I glanced over to third and the third base coach and Terrero were both looking down at the time. So I said, I’ll just walk over until Jonesie gets to the mound. If he asks for the ball, I’m going to give it to him. But we made eye contact and he saw me, then he walked around the mound, he’s at the back, he started stretching. We were, honestly, about three seconds away from just forgetting about it because we couldn’t wait anymore. And right there [Terrero] took a step off the bag, and it worked out.”

No-hitters and hidden ball tricks both display some of the particular fun of baseball. It’s a game with a long memory for little things and big things, each moment adding incrementally to a player’s stats while also echoing the accomplishments of games past. So even though it’s a long season in a game with a long history, even the smallest things begin to carry strange significance.

One day, Trot Nixon steps into the batter’s box as a player for the opposing team, but what takes the stage is appreciation for the 13 seasons he spent as an original dirt dog. And on that same day, Kevin Youkilis has the first inside-the-park home run at Fenway since . . . Trot Nixon.

So, Mother’s Day comebacks aside, there are other special moments that have nothing to do with winning and losing that are worth watching.

Or if you don’t buy that, then remember this: 10.5 games is nothing when you’re talking about the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox.

Suprisingly, it takes a New York Daily News columnist to remind us of how the tides can turn. After all, when the Red Sox were 8.5 games back on July 1, 2004, everyone began to count them out then, as well.

A COUPLE OF OLD GUYS SUBDUE A CRAZY PASSENGER on a Northwest Airlines flight while all the young dudes on the plane basically acted like weenies and “averted their eyes” to avoid involvement in the coming confrontation. Both of the old guys who stepped up are retired badasses — one is a former police commander, the other is a former marine captain. The best part though is how the wife of one of the geezer’s reacted:

Hayden’s wife of 42 years, Katie, who was also on the flight, was less impressed. Even as her husband struggled with the agitated passenger, she barely looked up from “The Richest Man in Babylon,” the book she was reading.

“The woman sitting in front of us was very upset and asked me how I could just sit there reading,” Katie Hayden said. “Bob’s been shot at. He’s been stabbed. He’s taken knives away. He knows how to handle those situations. I figured he would go up there and step on somebody’s neck, and that would be the end of it. I knew how that situation would end. I didn’t know how the book would end.”

Clearly, all the excitement is gone from this marriage. I mean, what’s a guy got to do to impress a lady these days?

WE’RE ALL SICKOS, according to the way it’s laid out in this Salon article about Michael Moore’s new movie:

When Moore interviews Tony Benn, a leading figure on the British left, his larger concerns come into focus. Benn argues that for-profit healthcare and the other instruments of the corporate state, like student loans and bottomless credit-card debt, perform a crucial function for that state. They undermine democracy by creating a docile and hardworking population that is addicted to constant debt and an essentially unsustainable lifestyle, that literally cannot afford to quit jobs or take time off, that is more interested in maintaining high incomes than in social or political change. Moore seizes on this insight and makes it a kind of central theme; both in the film and aloud, at the press conference, he wondered whether some essential and unrecognized change has occurred in the American character.

Sounds ’bout right.

MORE EVIDENCE TAVAREZ IS A NUTBAG, perhaps, even a bigger nutbag than Manny?:

If Tavarez is unflappable about nearly everything baseball, there is one thing that bothers him — when teammate Manny Ramírez rubs the top of his head, which he did in the dugout last week.

“Manny’s always been a guy who is like 12 years old whenever he feels like it,” said Tavarez, who has known Ramírez for 15 years. “I told him, ‘Listen, we are on TV, so stop playing around.’ I told him to stop rubbing my head. He knows I fall asleep easily when somebody does that to my head, but he [kept] doing it. Manny’s a great guy and a great player.”

Here’s video of the head-rubbing incident.

TOP 10 COMIC BOOK SUPERHERO MOVIES, in order of best to worst (not counting The Incredibles — because it wasn’t based on a comic book and it’s animated — but otherwise it would have been number 2 on this list):

  1. Superman: The Movie
  2. Spider-Man
  3. Batman
  4. Superman II
  5. Spider-Man 2
  6. Spider-Man 3
  7. X-Men
  8. Hulk
  9. Batman Returns

The point being: There aren’t a lot of great comic book superhero movies. So even though 10 gazillion people watched Spider-Man 3 this weekend and 5 gazillion of them liked it and 5 gazillion of them disliked it, it still makes it squarely into the top 10 and dominates as a series.