CRAZY MAN HAS MADE FRIENDS. Strangely enough, psychotic relief pitcher-turned-starter Julian Tavarez has grown smitten with Japanese imports Matsuzaka and Okajima. This is the same Tavarez known for a long, colorful history of tantrums, including punching Tampa Bay Devil Ray Joey Gathright during a play at the plate in a spring training game and punching a phone in the dugout during the 2004 World Series when he was playing for St. Louis. Nowadays, you’ll often see him standing at the top of the dugout and talking animatedly with Matsuzaka. Whether Matsuzaka has any idea what he’s saying is questionable, but there’s a lot of nodding going on, either out of politeness or self-preservation. Tavarez’ affections are chronicled in this Globe story covering his last outing (a win):

The Sox bullpen continues to be a great source of shiawase — that’s Japanese for happiness — which is why Tavarez goes out of his way to keep not only Daisuke Matsuzaka but Hideki Okajima smiling.

“They’re all my friends, Okajima and Matsuzaka,” said Tavarez, whose only trouble yesterday came in the third, when he walked Jorge Posada and Robinson Cano, then crossed up catcher Jason Varitek by throwing a slider when Varitek was calling for a fastball, which allowed Mientkiewicz to forgo a bunt and deliver a long ball instead.

“I try to talk to those guys, come out with a joke every day,” Tavarez said. “Hopefully, they like me a lot. I just try to make them happy. I think I’m the only player who tries to say something every day, even if it’s a stupid thing.”

Along with stories of snake oil on his pitching arm and some pretty good pitching to boot, somehow Tavarez has crossed over from “dangerous nutbag” to “somewhat endearing dangerous nutbag,” in a crazy Manny sort of way. Now it even seems Tavarez is hoping to learn how to throw a cut fastball from Matsuzaka. Perhaps, in exchange for tips on how to punch things.

OUR OLD ACE BARELY LASTED FOUR INNINGS, our new lead-off guy struck out three times, one of our two Japanese imports gave up a homerun with his very first Major League pitch and the boys in red didn’t look so hot on the base paths (or the outfield) either. Sure, it was all against a pretty good pitcher. But it was also against arguably the worst team in baseball. Question marks abound, and, well, it is only the first game of the season, after all. But at least this, we know: It could have been worse. And it can only get better.

EVEN WHEN MATSUZAKA HAS A BAD OUTING, it’s okay. So he gives up a walk every inning? It’s still five innings of no-hit baseball. Maybe the hype machine has gone into overdrive, but if the cap’n says he’s the real thing, then he’s the real thing:

Matsuzaka? He has at least five or six pitches, maybe seven, though getting people like Varitek to identify them is like trying to crack the Da Vinci Code. At this stage, it appears Matsuzaka throws a four-seam fastball, curveball, slider, cut fastball, split-fingered fastball and changeup, the latter of which is the mythical gyroball that Matsuzaka throws with the arm action of a screwball.

Isn’t that right?

“I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you,” mused Varitek, eagerly awaiting a decision.

A short time later, in response to another question about Matsuzaka’s arsenal, Varitek nodded and said, “No.”

If you are somewhat mystified by all of this, do not be embarrassed. Matsuzaka has so many pitches that Varitek actually is using a cheat sheet similar to those employed by NFL quarterbacks. Depending on the game situation, the same sign can mean an entirely different pitch, which is why the time shared by Varitek and Matsuzaka this spring has been so critical.

FOR ANYONE GOING THROUGH A MID-LIFE CRISIS, this should make for some excellent reading. Ostensibly, it’s about inventing yourself and making a good impression. But for me, it’s about confusion and angst:

It is said that we are all three different people: the person we think we are (the one we have invented), the person other people think we are (the impression we make) and the person we think other people think we are (the one we fret about). You could say it would be a lifetime’s quest to reconcile this battling trinity into a seamless whole.

(Via kottke)

LIFE IN THE BIG CITY AND FRIED CHICKEN CRAVINGS don’t always make the best of friends. Or so I learned from this video. Unfortunately, I saw the video last week and ate at the fine dining establishment in question four weeks ago. But never fear, now that KFC has brought an expert in on the scene, I’m sure everything will be fine from now on:

Corrigan is a world-renowned expert on rodent problems. He once spent months living in a rat-infested barn to better study the rodent’s behavior, and he has taught at the New York City Rodent Control Academy.

There’s a Rodent Control Academy?

WHEN HUMAN AND APE GO TO WAR, it’s good to know that the pigeons will be on our side – whether they like it or not.

Scientists in eastern China have successfully experimented with brain-motor skill manipulation in pigeons to “force the bird to comply with their commands.” Micro electrodes have been planted into the brains of these pigeons to control their movement left, right, up, and down during flight.

Beware of bombs, Koko!

GOOD NEWS FOR RED SOX-OBSESSED, MAC-WIELDING GEEKS like me. Here’s an Applescript for building your very own season schedule in iCal in six easy steps. Blessed be the Mac development community, even if this particular member is an A’s fan.